if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
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She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
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Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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