sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
