i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
