Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
