I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This is my gift to your gina
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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