its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And then he peed in my hair
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