What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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