tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
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I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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