saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
