Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
