i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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