I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
