News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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