I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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