I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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