i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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