my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
