Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't notice because vodka
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize