i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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