She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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