i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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