I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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