I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
