my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
