Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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