Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
