when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
