What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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