Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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