she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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