why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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