I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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