miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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