I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
