Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
