That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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