My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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