Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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