I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize