I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
