what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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