Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
