She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
