I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
