He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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