Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
