so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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