I wannas sexs uuuuu
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
