Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
