I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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