I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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