I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
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stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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