i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
