shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
