I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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