i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
