ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
